Accomplishments…

A few things off the list, and some unplanned accomplishments as well. Jillian has been to the doctor for her physical. The cabinets for beneath the workspace in my “office” are completed, and the packaging has been done away with. And Jessica’s dining room set has been picked up from the store and delivered to her humble abode.

I find that waiting in a doctor’s office for someone else remains problematic; brings back too much. And that makes me a bit surly. Or maybe it’s their sheer illogic in their particular application of socialist distancing. Don’t know. I just know my mood was severely off from the moment we went to wait for Jillian to finish.

Upon arriving home, I went immediately up to my “office” to sort through the big bin of books that ended up in there. A large number of them were old textbooks from Kim’s and my undergrad studies. Good as references, but not much else – they hit the recycle bin. The remainder – Piers Anthony, Kurt Vonnegut, Stephen King, Dean Koontz, V.C. Andrews… – I offered to Jessica, and she quite literally pounced on them. In this age of Kindle and other e-readers – I’ve been reading on electronics since Mobipocket was a thing on Palm Pilots. Though I respect books, I no longer have a need for them in paper form, and they are just one of MANY things laying about to add to the clutter that has made me nuts from time immemorial.

Following that great adventure, I began moving the parts for the remaining cabinet upstairs to put together completing the whole task just in time to help Jessica with her dining room set. Back home to make dinner for Jillian, Vanessa, and me, clean it up, and then help Kenny to update his resume.

A full day. All the activity and knocking things off my list improved my mood over the mood I had this past weekend. And now, I can start organizing my tools and supplies into the cabinets, further reducing that clutter. All good!

So, again: when in a pit, look up. There is always that circle of light, and there are invariably things hanging down by which to pull yourself out. Am I a chipper happy camper now? No. Not by a long shot. But I’m not the emotional void I had become by Sunday.

Happy Easter

He is risen, alleluia! I hope everyone had a glorious and happy Easter Sunday today.

After mass, as usual, we went to Kim’s Dad’s house, and then took him to the cemetery to see Kim’s and his wife’s graves. I spent some extra time today placing Easter lilies at Kim’s and her Mom’s graves, and edging the markers at her Mom’s, my Dad’s, my grandparents’, and my godparents’ graves. Then a little clean up at Kim’s Dad’s house to get rid of some cables from an antenna that DIRECTV abandoned on his roof which I had removed a few weeks ago for him. Then home to gather up everything we would be taking to Grandma Sue’s for the Easter brunch, which was delicious as usual. Then on to Mom’s for an Easter visit.

Through the whole thing, I felt empty. Absolutely devoid of emotion. Not happy. Not sad. Just there. And that’s not good. Time to start looking up to see the circle of light, and see what’s hanging down with which to pull my self up out of the pit….

Adrift

Sometimes, it feels like I’m drowning. Like I’ve been pulled beneath the surface and am simply taking on water. When this feeling hits, frustration with whatever I’m doing ensues, and I just want to explode – let it all out in a big Shrek-like roar.

Neither option is available to me at present – neither holding it in nor letting it go in that manner would be healthy for me or any around me. I’ll have to find a healthy vent, because “just keeping busy” isn’t working anymore. I keep busy by adding things to the list. The drowning feeling prevents me from focusing on anything properly, resulting in just another incomplete project on the heap of things to do, which increases the suffocating stress.

And then there are outside influences – the demands of the parents, the poor performance of my mom’s healthcare team requiring that those of us in Michigan spend extra time with her because the company doesn’t manage their personnel well – we’ve been having multiple incidents where there was no coverage, and their management is, frankly, ineffective. Having to spend extra time with mom seems innocuous enough, but it, too increases that stress and that pile of things not getting done, and carries stress of its own due to mom’s condition and the things that I cannot do for her if needed.

Sigh.

Life, in general, doesn’t stop, even if mine seems to have.

Good Friday

One of the facets of Christianity and salvation history I struggle with is this: God is God. He can do anything. So why was it necessary for Jesus to have died on the cross to redeem mankind? Every once in a while, my mind will glom onto a cogent argument as to why it was necessary; however, the “Ah ha!” is fleeting, and the wonder at the rationale returns. I guess this lends credence to something I often say: I do not presume to know the mind of God.

One of the things I always take away from Jesus’ passion is how incredibly cruel mankind can be. Throughout the ages, mankind has demonstrated an incredible capacity for cruelty and delighting in others’ pain – to me, it is one of the most disgusting aspects of our broken nature. Maybe one day we will rise above it.

I hope everyone took some time today to contemplate what occurred in Jerusalem so very long ago. For the price paid in human flesh by God for our redemption.

God bless.

Maybe they do speak…

A bit of an odd day today. I had an appointment with my PCP for a long-overdue physical. Leaving there, I got it into my head that, my doctor’s office being well over half way to the cemetery, I’d swing by and “see” her – the precise thought in my head: “I need to go see Kim.” So I did, enjoying my coffee and a bag of mixed nuts along the way since I had to starve and dehydrate myself until that blood was drawn for the physical….

On the way home, instead of my usual 8 Mile to I-275 route, I turned down 9 Mile, which yielded an unexpectedly more scenic route, oddly reminiscent of the drive Kim and I took after the doctor’s appointment during which she had decided she’d had enough of the chemo. Some of the scenery looked déjà vu familiar, but I’m sure I must have taken that path at least once back in my LIT college days, so no real mystery there.

Eventually, I made my way back to 8 Mile, and then onto Newburgh, figuring, for some odd reason, I’d stop at the Westland Meijer to get gas on the way home. The truck was almost 3/4 full, so I’m not sure why I decided that. As I approached 5 Mile, I was hit with an overwhelming compulsion to go to Kim’s Dad’s house which is along that route, and an urgent need to complete a “mission“ of intervention for someone I knew would be there, but whom I had already decided to let go their own way – I, frankly, had enough on my plate. I think that this “mission” may bear fruit.

Maybe it was just my conscience. Maybe. Or maybe it was Kim and her Mom, buried next to each other, making me an instrument to open someone’s eyes to what they were doing. Can’t say. I know I cried pretty much all the way home afterward – along I-275, as the desire to go to the Westland Meijer for gas disappeared…

If you are the praying sort, please say some prayers to strengthen the subject of my “mission.” And, while you’re at it, maybe a prayer for me, too. Thank you.