Who would have thought that the sight of flowers poking their heads out of the ground would be so depressing? Kim loved planting. She loved her flowers, and she loved planting vegetables. The porch was always full of hanging baskets and potted plants, usually flowers. Each side of the house usually carried her vegetable garden – last year, in pots as well. She was always so proud of the colors, and of the produce she would get out of her vegetable patch, and doubly proud of what she would make with the vegetables. I still have several jars of her last batch of canned tomatoes – she was particularly proud of those.

The first flowers to poke their heads out of the dirt this year were three snapdragon-looking flowers – don’t ask me what they are: I’m clueless. I just know that they are some of Kim’s favorite – particularly the purple ones.

Kim’s Flowers, Reborn

When I first saw these about a week ago, they made me happy. Now, as things are warming up, and I see all the dead plants in the hanging baskets and her pots, I’m finding them depressing. The weather is nice today, but all I could focus on were the pots full of dead plants, the empty starter pots, the rotting wood from one of Kim’s favorite planters which we were planning to replicate…

I honestly don’t know what is at the root of this mood swing. I was feeling so “up” for so long! And one would think that, with the advent of warmer weather, I’d be hyped to get outside.

Part of it, I think, is that the warmer weather brings memories of the walks Kim and I would take last summer – she was still very playful despite her condition, and at one turn in the park, would do a “crack the whip” turn and zoom in to get a kiss. I miss that goofiness. Odd that as the warmth of summer started to fade toward winter, Kim faded right along with it, passing on the same morning as the first snow.

And some of it is probably pressure I feel toward my Mom’s and Kim’s Dad’s care.

My Mom has my sister Cindy locally to see to her needs – which, too, makes me feel like I should be doing more – but since Mom had her two health breakdowns, I can’t pop in there before work, because she no longer gets up that early – that, and I now work from home. And Cindy is feeling the stress of Mom’s failing memory, and mom’s focus on her caregivers instead of on visiting family members.

Kim’s Dad has no-one within 400 miles aside from me and our kids. Rhonda comes to Michigan when she can, but I struggle with the “what do I do” if something goes sideways – especially with him complaining lately of his knee locking up or giving out, and dizziness when he stands up.

The clouds I can see out of the corner of the window near my desk are beautiful. I think I’ll go outside and look at them.

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