I honestly don’t know what was so special about today that I felt so utterly empty. I don’t have any better term to describe how I felt today. Just. Plain. Empty.
The sinus infection/upper respiratory infection is resolving, and I had the best sleep last night that I’ve had in a long time. I was able to get up with the alarm clock, rather than repeatedly poking “snooze” for another ten minutes of laziness. Got up, showered, dressed, went down to let the dogs out, feed the cats, and start my morning – pretty much as usual. And then I just sort of emptied out emotionally.
All day long, I just felt this void at my core. Nothing seemed able to pull me out of the doldrums. The weather – gray, snowy, rainy, bleak – didn’t help matters either. For having loved having four seasons my whole life, I’m really beginning to hate winter; especially the winter sky.
I had my first “vestibular therapy” appointment today. Waiting was a bit painful as every song that played over the speakers in the place reminded me of Kim, and I hadn’t been prepared for a wait. I really had no activity to pull my mind from thoughts of her. And, the act of waiting in a medical facility itself pulled me back to her last seven months – especially the last two, when they allowed me to accompany her on her appointments. These appointments were supposed to be in the same building Kim went for her chemo. Thankfully, they were booked solid, and they had another facility also very near my home. I don’t know how I would have handled pulling up to that same building, parking in the same lot, walking into the same lobby… Win-win, I guess – except for the associations my mind made with her appointments and the music in this other place.
During the therapy session, they did some more testing to see what’s going on, but nothing caused any dizziness or nystagmus (“eye wiggles” that belie issues within the cochlea). They identified a tracking issue with my eyes (eye/ear tracking, they said), and some, for lack of a better term, structural issues or misalignments in my neck, back, and ribs that could be contributing by limiting my head’s range of motion.
The young lady who did the testing was very pleasant and kind, and the young gentleman who took me through some of the exercises was as well. And, as a bonus, I think the crick in my neck I’ve had since last March may resolve through this. That would be nice, as it’s more of a problem when I’m laying down than sitting or standing, so getting that resolved may help more with the quality of my sleep. I was given some exercises to do at home and was jettisoned back out into the bleak, dreary January afternoon…
Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. There’s nothing particularly interesting on my work calendar, though.
I really miss Kim. Knowing her suffering is over helps blunt the pain, but I still miss her terribly.