Wonder of wonders!

I woke up last night because something was amiss. As I laid in bed trying to figure out what it was, I realized the pulsing, rushing sound in my right ear was gone! Happy day – back to sleep. Upon awakening, I noted that it is still there, but so quiet that I have to want to hear it to pick it out, and it is easily masked by other sounds. And that feeling of fullness in the ear is much diminished as well. Cool! Maybe it is resolving itself. I’ll still go to my next ENT appointment as it wasn’t ever-present with the balance disturbances I’ve been experiencing since October. It just may be that it is episodic, but that the episodes are long? Let the doctor figure it out – better safe than sorry.

I’ve used the Snore Labs app on my iPhone sporadically for about five years. Whenever Kim would tell me my snoring was bad, or I’d wake up with a dry mouth, I’d start using it again to see what was going on. With this issue and the head cold I seem to have piled atop it, I started using the app again. Yup. I’m snoring like a bull moose in full rut in an echoey canyon. To compare (I mean: maybe not in full rut?), I flipped back through a few records and happened upon an episode this past August where Kim and I had awakened together and were having a bright, cheery conversation. With all the survivor’s guilt that comes with my new lot in life, it made me feel good to hear me cheerfully telling her “Love you, sweetie!” as we started our day. Plus, I really, really liked hearing her voice. Needless to say, that audio has been “protected” within the app and exported. I have so few recent recordings of her voice sounding so clear and good.

Back to the rushing sound, and being better safe than sorry: I find it difficult sometimes not to have a sort of nihilist attitude toward the like. Thoughts like “What if it’s something bad?” bring the answer “So what?” This really bothers me. It’s not like I’m suicidal or anything, and I haven’t ever necessarily been afraid of death, but I really don’t like this feeling of indifference toward the potential. I think it is a combination of grief and survivor’s guilt that drives these thoughts. In any case, I have a LOT of work to do before I go to see to it that the kids don’t have to give away too much of what I want to leave to them when my time does come. I don’t like leaving things half-done (Kim might have argued that last bit, with all the projects I have going all the time).

This is another testament to how having my kids to support me and worry about is such a grace during this time. Aside from bolstering me up, they give incentive to not letting myself wallow in emotions that can become so self-destructive. If you’re young ‘uns considering whether or not to have children, take my advice: have ’em. Raise them up with love and care (I think that’s what we did), and they’ll return it to you seven-fold when you need it. Sometimes in ways they don’t even realize.

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