Tough day.

For some odd reason, today was very hard for me. I just didn’t want to get out of bed, and then, after I did, I just felt melancholy all day, and couldn’t put my finger on why. There were no obvious triggers. Just…. blah.

I don’t think I’ve had a day like this. It is the first time when just the act of waking up made me feel sad. I can’t blame not having to work, as I was on vacation for the entire month after Kim passed away. Come to think of it, I was a bit out of sorts the night before. Maybe it was the “Family Friday” that got me? I just wanted to be alone; or, at least, I didn’t want to participate. I thought maybe I was coming down with something, but I don’t feel my health is off today.

I think this is something I’ll probably have to deal with now and again. I miss Kim terribly, and, I think, every now and again, it is just going to spill over and set the tone for the day without any obvious trigger.

Maybe I’m not doing as well against depression as I think I am. Time will tell. I find that I do not want to go out of the house – opposite what I’ve read on some other widowers’ blogs I’ve come across: most want to get away from the home they’d shared with their departed spouse – one I read of went to the point of selling the home and moving to another state! Not me. I want to be here, though there is a coldness about the place – especially when I return from somewhere else.

Today, I visited my mother.

Before Kim got sick, I would go to my mom’s every morning before work with coffee for her. Even after COVID sent us all home, I’d make the trip there, and, instead of continuing east afterward to go to my office, I’d turn around and head back west to my home. I stopped doing that when Kim got sick as I needed to focus there. Instead, I’d go on Saturday (usually with Kim) and bring mom enough coffee to heat up in that microwave to last her the week. Once Kim couldn’t travel, any thought of that ended. But, before that occurred, though, mom had an episode that meant she would have home healthcare people in her home with her every day – again: God sees to it. I do my best to get out every Saturday to see her. I don’t think anyone realizes the effort it seems to take now, though. And I cannot put a finger on why it is so damned difficult or unsavory to leave the house. Like I said: I don’t think I’m doing as well against depression as I thought I was.

And, it was my niece’s wedding day. Their wedding was postponed due to COVID, and, once rescheduled, the invitations were held up in the mail for over a month. By the time most received them, it was too late to make any plans to go to Texas for the wedding. Me? I’m all travelled out. I have no desire to get on a plane or take a long car ride to anywhere – this isn’t a result of Kim passing, but a result of spending so much time away from home during my career – travel holds no allure for me. In any case, the church live-streamed her ceremony, so we got to participate at a distance – my daughter, my mother, my niece and I watched it at Mom’s house. The bride, church and ceremony were all beautiful, but I hope they didn’t pay the singer much. Wow! Reminded me of Ray Bolger as the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz – but Ray could carry a tune!

In any case: congratulations to Erin and Thomas! May you have a long, happy marriage, and may you both be in your dotage before the good Lord calls either of you home.

Tomorrow is 8:00 mass, and then a visit to Kim’s grave to set her grave blanket to rights after the deer have had their evil way with it for a week. Oddly, though I feel great sadness at her grave, I usually feel a lot better after visiting it.

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